If you and your partner seem to have the same argument over and over again, you may sometimes wonder: Why can’t we just resolve this and move on?
You may have discussed it dozens of times. You may both know how the conversation will go: one of you raises the issue, the other becomes defensive, voices are raised, old grievances are brought up — and eventually one of you wants to stop but the other “keeps on”, until eventually you are both exhausted and frustrated, and nothing has been resolved.
Then a few days or weeks later, the same thing happens again.
This is surprisingly common in long-term relationships. Often, the argument you’re having isn’t really about the subject you think it is. Couples often argue about practical matters:
- Money and spending
- The children
- Sex and intimacy
- Lack of time spent together
- Work
- In-laws
- Household responsibilities
But underneath the practical disagreement there is often a much deeper emotional issue. One partner may be thinking “You don’t appreciate what I do” whilst the other may be thinking “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you”
One of you may be seeking reassurance while the other experiences that need as criticism or pressure.
So the couple continues arguing about the surface issue without addressing what is really hurting each person.
Couples can become trapped in a pattern
One of the most important things we see in relationship counselling is that couples can become caught in a repetitive pattern.
For example, partner A feels disconnected and complains that partner B never talks. However, partner B feels criticised and withdraws.
Partner A sees that withdrawal as proof that partner B doesn’t care, and so complains even more which causes partner B to withdraw even further.
Both people are reacting to the other — and both genuinely believe that the other person is the problem.
The difficulty is that neither partner is necessarily deliberately causing the problem. They are caught in a cycle.
When couples have a major difference of opinion, thought, feeling etc. they often become locked into conflict, where each of them wants to prove that he/she is right. You may find yourself thinking: “If only my partner would understand my point of view, everything would be better.”
But relationships aren’t courtrooms. It’s NOT about right or wrong. It’s about accepting the differences between you. Remember, you are 2 different people and won’t always agree. Instead of getting into conflict, it’s much better to understand each other’s perspective and the reasons for that perspective: that way you LEARN something. The ideal is to accept the differences between you. That does NOT mean you agree.
A more useful question is:
“What is happening between us when we have this argument?”
That change in perspective can be very important.
Instead of asking “Who started it?”, couples can begin to explore what each person is feeling, what they are afraid of and what they actually need from the other.
Try listening for the feeling underneath the words
The next time you and your partner have a familiar argument, try to pause before defending yourself, and ask yourself:
- What am I actually feeling?
- What am I needing from my partner?
- What might my partner be feeling?
- Is there something underneath this argument that we haven’t talked about?
And, if the conversation is calm enough, try asking your partner “What is this really like for you?” Then listen for the answer without immediately explaining, justifying or defending yourself.
That can be very difficult — but it can also change the conversation completely. One of the techniques that Francesca and Stan teach is called “The Couples Intentional Dialogue”. The effect of that Dialogue is that it guarantees each of you gets heard, there is no blame or criticism, and you actually learn more about each other and yourself. It has nothing to do with agreement. It’s about accepting the differences between you. You find validation, empathy & compassion.
After years of repeating the same argument, couples can find it extremely difficult to change the pattern on their own. They may know intellectually that they should communicate differently, but when emotions become strong, they automatically fall back into familiar behaviour.
This is one of the reasons relationship counselling can be helpful.
A skilled counsellor can help both partners identify the pattern they have become caught in, understand what is happening underneath the conflict and learn new ways of responding to each other, such as the Couples Intentional Dialogue mentioned above.
The aim is to help them understand why they are arguing and what they can do differently when the pattern begins.
If this sounds familiar you don’t necessarily have to wait until your relationship is in crisis before seeking help. Seeing an experienced relationship counsellor can help you understand what has been happening and decide what you both want to do next.
At Relationship Rescue Institute, we offer a free introductory session with no obligation. It gives couples an opportunity to discuss their situation and decide whether counselling may be helpful. And you can learn techniques to change the pattern. Give us a call on 03.9427.0032 or email: stan@relationshiprescueinstitute.com.au
