One of the most common concerns we hear from people considering relationship counselling is:
“I think we need help, but my partner doesn’t want to come.”
This can leave you feeling stuck.
You know that something isn’t right in your relationship. Perhaps you’re arguing frequently, have become emotionally distant, lacking intimacy or feel that you’re not connecting in the way you once did.
You may have suggested counselling, only to hear:
“We don’t need counselling.”
“I don’t want to talk to a stranger about our relationship.”
“There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“You’re the one with the problem.”
If this sounds familiar, you are certainly not alone.
Why might someone resist counselling?
There are many reasons a partner may be reluctant to go to counselling:
he/she may – be worried that counselling means the relationship is failing;
- fear being blamed or criticised;
- think the counsellor will take the partner’s side;
- feel embarrassed about discussing private matters with a stranger;
- believe that the problems will eventually disappear (which won’t happen!)
The partner who doesn’t want counselling is probably not saying “I don’t care about our relationship.” More likely he/she is actually saying: “I’m frightened about what might happen if we start talking about this.” Understanding that distinction can make a difference.
Don’t turn counselling into another argument
If your partner is reluctant, repeatedly telling them that he/she needs counselling is unlikely to help. It can make counselling seem like another weapon in the relationship.
Instead, you might try something much less threatening such as saying:
“I’m saying that I’m unhappy with the way things are between us, and I’d like us to see whether we can improve them by seeking professional help”
That changes the message from “You need fixing” to “I want us to find a better way forward.”
You can make an appointment on your own
Another important point is that you don’t necessarily have to wait for your partner to agree before seeking professional advice.
A person can have an individual session with a relationship counsellor to talk about what is happening. That can give you an opportunity to step back from the emotional situation and consider:
- what is actually happening in the relationship
- what part you are playing in the pattern
- what your partner might be experiencing
- what you could change yourself
- how you might approach your partner differently
Sometimes, when one partner begins to make constructive changes, the other partner becomes more open to participating.
You cannot change your partner — but you can change the relationship dynamic by changing what you do
This is one of the most important principles to understand.
You cannot make another person communicate differently, become more affectionate or agree to counselling.
But you can change the way you respond.
And when one person changes the way he/she responds, it can sometimes alter the entire pattern between the couple.
For example, if criticism has led to withdrawal and withdrawal has led to more criticism, changing your approach may interrupt that cycle.
It isn’t about accepting responsibility for everything that has gone wrong.
It is about recognising that you have some influence over what happens next.
What if my partner eventually agrees?
If your partner does become willing to attend, counselling provides an opportunity for both of you to be heard.
Importantly, good relationship counselling isn’t about deciding who is the “good” partner and who is the “bad” partner.
Each of you have your own experiences, feelings and perceptions, and neither of you is wrong.
The counsellor’s role is to help you understand each other and the patterns that have developed between you.
Don’t wait until the relationship is beyond repair
Many couples wait until their relationship has deteriorated for years before seeking help.
By that stage, resentment may have accumulated and both partners may have become emotionally exhausted.
You don’t have to wait that long.
Seeking advice doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed.
In many cases, it means the opposite: you care enough about the relationship to do something about it.
If your partner is unwilling to attend relationship counselling, you can still seek professional advice yourself.
A free introductory session can be a useful first step. You can explain what is happening, ask questions and explore what options may be available to you.
At Relationship Rescue Institute, our introductory session is provided without obligation. You don’t have to make a commitment to ongoing counselling.
Sometimes, simply having an experienced professional help you understand what is happening can be the beginning of a different way forward.
