Communication is often described as the foundation of a good relationship, and it is.
But when couples come to relationship counselling, they often say
“We talk all the time, but we never seem to understand each other.”
or:
“Every conversation turns into an argument.”
The problem isn’t necessarily that couples aren’t communicating. It is often how they are communicating. Over time, couples develop habits of communication that create distance rather than connection — often without realising it.
Here are some of the most common mistakes.
- Trying to win the argument
When we feel hurt, misunderstood or criticised, it is natural to want our partner to recognise that we are right. We gather evidence. We remind our partner of what he/she said last week. We
explain why his/her version of events isn’t accurate. Sometimes we even keep arguing until our partner finally gives up.But winning an argument doesn’t necessarily bring you closer to each other; your partner may eventually say, “Fine, you’re right,” but still feel hurt, unheard or resentful.
A more valuable question is:
“Do I want to win this argument, or do I want us to understand each other?”
- Listening whilst preparing your defence
One of the biggest communication mistakes is appearing to listen while actually preparing your response.Your partner is talking, but inside your head you are thinking “That’s not true.” or “Wait until I tell you what you did.” or “I’ve got an answer for that.”
You’re waiting for your turn to speak rather than listening to understand.
Try something different.
You don’t have to agree with everything your partner says to show that you have heard him/her.
You could say: “I can understand why you felt that way.”
Understanding is not the same as agreeing.
- Using “always” or “never”
Few things make a partner more defensive than statements such as:“You never listen to me.”
“You always criticise me.”
“You never help around the house.”
Even when there is some truth behind the complaint, words such as “always” and “never” can cause the other person to immediately start looking for exceptions and respond, for example, with:
“That’s ridiculous. I listened to you yesterday”; suddenly the conversation is no longer about the original topic.
Instead of making a global statement about your partner, try describing a specific situation and how it affected you.
For example:
“When I was talking to you last night and you looked at your phone, I felt as though what I was saying wasn’t important to you.”
That gives your partner something he/she can understand and respond to.
- Bringing up the past
Another common mistake is turning a disagreement about today into a history lesson. You are arguing about something that happened this morning and suddenly you’re discussing something that happened five years ago.“And what about when you did …”“That’s nothing compared with what you did back then…”
Old hurts can certainly be important and often need to be addressed, but bringing them into every disagreement makes it almost impossible to resolve the issue in front of you.
If something from the past is still hurting you, it deserves its own conversation rather than being used as ammunition in every new argument.
- Assuming you know what your partner wants/thinks/feels
“You don’t care.”“You only said that because you want to hurt me.”
“You obviously don’t want to spend time with me.”
But we cannot actually know what is happening inside another person’s mind unless that person tells us.
Instead of assuming, ask –
“When you said that, what did you mean?”
“Are you angry with me?”
“I’m feeling as though you’re withdrawing from me. Is that what’s happening?”
A question can open a conversation; an accusation can close it.
- Trying to solve the problem too quickly
Sometimes your partner doesn’t want a solution immediately, and just wants to be heard.Imagine that your partner says:
“I’ve had a terrible day. I feel completely overwhelmed.”
And then you immediately respond with:
“Why don’t you just do this…”
Your intention may be helpful. But your partner may actually have needed you to say something like –
“That sounds really difficult. Tell me what happened.”
There is an important difference between solving a problem and supporting the person who is experiencing it.
Before offering advice, ask:
“Do you want me to help you work out what to do, or would you just like me to listen?”
That simple question can prevent a lot of unnecessary frustration.
- Raising difficult issues at the worst possible time
There is a time and place for difficult conversations.Trying to resolve a major relationship problem when one of you is exhausted, rushing out the door or already extremely angry is rarely productive.
Sometimes the best response is:
“This is important, and I do want to talk about it. But I don’t think we’re going to have a good conversation right now. Can we talk tonight when we’re both calmer?”
The important part is to actually return to the conversation at a pre-arranged day/time. Putting something off temporarily is very different from avoiding it altogether.
- Using silence as a weapon
Taking some time to calm down can be healthy, but there is a difference between(a)saying “I’m too angry to talk properly at the moment. I need half an hour and then I’d like us to continue” and
(b)simply refusing to speak to your partner for hours or days.
The first communicates a temporary need for space, whereas the second is avoidance.
- Focusing on the intention instead of the impact
Couples often get stuck arguing about what someone meant.“I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I was only joking.”
“I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”
Your intention matters, but not as much as the impact of your words or actions. You can genuinely have had good intentions and still have hurt your partner.
Instead of immediately defending your intention, try:
“I didn’t intend to hurt you, but I can see that I did. Tell me what that was like for you.”
That creates an opportunity for connection rather than another argument.
- Forgetting that your partner isn’t the enemy
Perhaps the biggest communication mistake of all is losing sight of the fact that you are supposed to be on the same team. When couples have been fighting for a long time, it can begin to feel as though there are two opposing sides:Me versus you.
But really all you BOTH want is to feel loved, respected, understood & important to each other.
So, what can you do differently?
The next time you and your partner disagree, try slowing the conversation down:
- instead of immediately defending yourself, listen;
- instead of blaming or criticising, describe what you feel;
- instead of assuming what your partner means, ask questions;
- instead of trying to win, try to understand what is happening between you.
Those changes can be surprisingly powerful.
If you and your partner have developed patterns of arguing, withdrawing, criticising or simply avoiding difficult conversations, it can be very difficult to change those patterns on your own.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is failing.
It may simply mean that you have become stuck in a pattern that neither of you knows how to change.
Relationship counselling can provide a safe environment in which both partners can understand what is happening, be heard by the other and begin developing different ways of communicating.
At Relationship Rescue Institute, we offer a free introductory session with no obligation. It provides an opportunity to discuss what is happening in your relationship and decide whether counselling could be helpful.
Good communication isn’t about never disagreeing. It’s about learning how to disagree without losing your connection with each other: since you are 2 different human beings, you will not always agree AND THAT’S OK. You both need to accept that.
