There is a lot that is remarkable about being married for 20, 30 or 40 years. You have shared homes, holidays, celebrations and disappointments. You may have raised children together, supported each other through difficult times and built a life that is uniquely yours.
But a long marriage isn’t necessarily an easy marriage.
Over the years, relationships change. The pressures of work and family, changing priorities, health concerns, financial pressures and simply the routines of everyday life can gradually affect the connection between two people.
Sometimes a couple looks back and realises that, while they still care deeply about each other, they have somehow become more like companions or housemates than lovers and partners. You start to take each other for granted.
The good news is that a long relationship doesn’t have to become like that.
One of the greatest threats to a long-term relationship isn’t necessarily major conflict. Sometimes it is complacency.
When you have been together for decades, it is easy to assume that your partner knows you love him/her.
But people still need to feel appreciated.
A simple “thank you”, a compliment, a kiss goodbye or asking how your partner’s day went can seem minor. Yet these small expressions of affection and interest help maintain a sense of CONNECTION
Long-term couples often communicate perfectly well — but their conversations can become almost entirely practical.
You need to talk about more than the mundane in everyday life.
Think about what it was like all those years ago when you first got together – try to recall your thoughts, feelings, conversations, hopes and how you couldn’t wait to see each other, be together, touch each other.
Don’t assume your partner knows. Tell each other; show each other. Create a new and deeper emotional connection.
Make time to talk about yourselves. Ask your partner what he/she is looking forward to. Talk about something you have always wanted to do. Remember funny moments from your early years together.
Discuss places you would like to visit or things you would like to experience. Keep discovering each other.
Don’t allow your entire relationship to become an exchange of information.
It is tempting to think that after 20 or 30 years you know everything there is to know about your partner. But people continue to change.The person you married may have different interests, hopes, fears and priorities today.
Ask questions:
“What would you really like to do over the next few years?”
“Is there anything you’ve always wanted us to do together?”
“What do you miss about the early days of our relationship?”
You may discover that there are parts of your partner you haven’t really got to know yet.
Long-term couples can become extremely good at putting everyone else first, so make your relationship a priority.
Children, grandchildren, work, friends and family can all make demands on your time. But your relationship needs ongoing attention too. This doesn’t mean that you have to organise elaborate romantic evenings.
It might simply mean having coffee together without your phones, going for a walk, having lunch somewhere you enjoy or setting aside an evening when you can concentrate on each other.
The important thing isn’t necessarily what you do. It’s that you deliberately make time for “us.”
Also, don’t let unresolved resentment accumulate. Every relationship has disagreements. The goal isn’t to create a marriage in which you never argue. That’s unrealistic. The important question is what happens after the disagreement.
Some couples become very good at avoiding difficult subjects. They stop raising issues because they know it will lead to an argument.
Unfortunately, avoiding conflict doesn’t necessarily make the underlying problem disappear. Unresolved disappointments can gradually turn into resentment and emotional distance.If something continues to bother you, it is usually better to find a calm time to discuss it rather than allowing it to build up; when your partner raises an issue, try to listen to what is behind his/her words rather than immediately preparing your defence.
Physical affection still matters, even though physical intimacy can change over the years.There may be periods when sex is less important, or when physical affection changes because of age, health, medication or other circumstances.
But physical closeness doesn’t have to disappear. Holding hands, sitting close together, a kiss, a hug or simply touching your partner as you walk past can all communicate affection.
Intimacy is much broader than sex. It is about feeling wanted, valued, safe and connected.
If physical intimacy has become a source of tension or disappointment in your relationship, it can be helpful to talk about it rather than simply accepting the distance.
Remember why you chose each other
When a relationship is going through a difficult period, couples can become focused almost entirely on what is wrong. It can be helpful to deliberately recall what originally attracted you to each other.
What did you admire?
What made you laugh?
What qualities did you value?
What experiences have you shared that you wouldn’t have wanted to experience with anyone else?
Your history together is an important part of your relationship. Don’t let today’s frustrations obscure everything that came before them. Accept that relationships go through different stages – a marriage of 30 years cannot feel exactly like a marriage of three years.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. The excitement and intensity of the early years will develop into something different — companionship, familiarity, trust and a deep knowledge of each other.
But that doesn’t mean the relationship should simply be left on autopilot. Every stage of a long marriage presents new opportunities to reconnect. When children leave home, when work changes, when retirement approaches or when other major life changes occur, couples may find themselves spending much more time together. These transitions can be challenging, but they can also provide an opportunity to rediscover the relationship.
Perhaps you are reading this and thinking: “This sounds good, but we’ve already lost our connection.” If that is the case, don’t assume that it is too late.
Couples can become disconnected gradually, often without either person consciously deciding that it should happen. And just as the distance developed gradually, reconnecting can take time. It may require honest conversations, a willingness to understand each other’s experience and sometimes help from an experienced relationship counsellor.
You don’t have to wait until you are considering separation before asking for help. In fact, seeking help when you first recognise that something isn’t right can make it easier to correct the direction of the relationship.
A strong marriage doesn’t happen by accident. After 20, 30 or 40 years together, you have already achieved something significant. But a strong long-term marriage isn’t simply about how many years you have been together. It’s about whether you continue to choose the relationship and choose each other.
Keep talking.
Keep listening.
Keep showing affection.
Keep being curious about each other.
And, above all, don’t assume that because you have been together for many years, your relationship no longer needs attention.
If you and your partner still care about each other but feel that something has been lost along the way, relationship counselling may help you understand what has happened and find a way forward.
At Relationship Rescue Institute, we offer a free introductory session with no obligation. It provides an opportunity to talk about your relationship, understand how counselling might help and decide whether it is right for you.
It is never too late to work on your relationship.
